5 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Legit. I’m so afraid to tell you these things. But, I always want to be open, honest, transparent and vulnerable with you. So here we go!

1. I’m afraid to tell you that… I don’t want to be a nurse anymore.

This is like the scariest thing to release into the world.
One, because my work could find it.
Two, because other nurses will judge me.
Three, I know my parent’s don’t like when I talk about this.
But even in nursing school, I couldn’t get over a feeling that nursing (how it is in mainstream healthcare) just wasn’t for me. But, as my parents say, I am stubborn so I finished nursing school and became a nurse. (Partly because I just wanted to be DONE with school and to get married already!! My hubby and I had been engaged for like 2.5 years at that point!)
Even after it took me a whole year to pass my NCLEX (nursing boards)- again, stubborn!!- I really didn’t want to be a nurse.

Then we moved to SC for Dustin’s job, and I got a job as a nurse. That finalized it.
I do NOT want to be a nurse. 

Yet here I am. 2.5 years later. Still a nurse. Working as a nurse. Struggling every single shift because I don’t want to be one.

And it sucks because no one that I work with understands.
I mean, sure, there are things that other nurses complain about and they will admit that they don’t like their jobs, but none of them are willing to quit or see beyond a life without nursing.

Me? It’s all I think about.
I dream about the day I can work full-time as a wedding videographer and build a residual income with Young Living. Which leads me to the second and third thing I’m afraid to tell you.

2. I’m afraid to tell you that… I sell essential oils/toxin free products through a network marketing company.

This is something I’ve been so afraid to actually voice partly because I know it may turn some people away. Like, ugh, ANOTHER person just trying to sell me stuff. ☹

But hear me out.

I HATE being salesy just as much as you hate being sold to.

But, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share oils with the world and get paid for it!

Why? Because I am a HUGE believer in holistic health and that you have the power to take control of your own health.

I also believe that food is medicine!
And essential oils are a GIFT FROM GOD to help you take care of your body.
I don’t get paid to say that. I just truly believe it.

*Note: This is a big reason why nursing frustrates me. All I do is give medications and monitor those side effects. I never really help anyone!! Recommending essential oils and sharing a toxin free lifestyle HELPS PEOPLE and that is extremely important to me!

But I am afraid that I will be too “annoying” and talk about it “too much”.
I am afraid of the rejection that comes when people aren’t interested.
I’m afraid of pushing people away.

Just being real.

3. I’m afraid to tell you that… I have started a wedding videography business.

EVERYONE is a photographer. And EVERYONE tries to start their own photography business. Or so I hear.

And I feel like people will think I’m just like those other people.

Like, “Sure, have fun honey. You’ll quit that in a year and go back to nursing so you can make real money. Good luck, though.” Says the voice in my head about what other people will say about me.

So I’m afraid to step out and say that I, too, am stepping out to chase a dream I’ve had since college.
I’m afraid to say that I don’t know everything about videography.
I’m afraid people will think I’m riding on the coattails of my sister-in-law.
I’m afraid to FAIL.

Selah.

Breathe.

But that can’t keep me from trying.

I know I have a gift. An eye for videography. And saying that isn’t something I have to be ashamed of.

4. I am afraid of being successful.

Sometimes- actually like 95% of the time- I am afraid of becoming too successful in my side hustles of Young Living and videography.
Because for the most part, I really like my life now. (Except the whole being a nurse part.)
I get 3-4 days off every week. I’m able to serve in church. I’m able to meet with friends regularly for 2-3 hour long coffee dates. All without a lot of stress worrying about maintaining a huge business.

Another reason why it scares me is because I reallllyyyy value my marriage. And I love the way it is right now.
But any time I really start hustling in my businesses is when we find ourselves with more tensions/arguments. So, for that fact, it keeps me from wanting to work too hard so as to maintain our peace.

But here is the truth (that I have to remind myself of):
Success does not automatically equal a bad marriage.
Success does not automatically equal crazy business hours.

And knowing that up front, I can set up systems to help me with those fears like

-Having set business hours and sticking to them! (another struggle I have!)
   This is really hard right now working a night shift schedule that isn’t regular, but hoping that will change here soon!

-Intentionally setting aside time for hubby and I (daily and weekly for date nights)
   We both have GOT to get better about detaching from our screens during the time we have together!

So while I’m scared, I know that building these businesses is my ticket out of nursing.
So I’m willing to live like no one else aka working 3 jobs so that later I can live like no one else and never have to be a nurse again!! #daveramseyquote

5. I’m afraid no one cares… or will care, unless…

I’m afraid no one cares
-because I don’t have a perfectly curated Instagram feed
-because I don’t have nice clothes
-because I don’t have that “interesting” of a life
-because I don’t have kids yet

Or that no one will care unless…
-I have crazy amounts of followers on insta
-I always have my hair and makeup done
-I have done this for 3-4 years to “prove” myself

**BONUS FEAR**

6. I’m afraid to talk about Jesus because of pushing people away.

But like, Jesus is MY LIFE.

If you know me in real life, you know Jesus is a frequent topic of conversation.
I love reading my Bible, listening to worship music, praying and spending time at church.
I mean, my hubby is a worship pastor. I wanted to marry someone in ministry. That’s how much I loveeee Christianity.

But I am afraid to say too much on social media because people will automatically scroll past or move on. And just being honest, I notice the people who are Christians but don’t necessarily come out and say it are more “successful” i.e. have more Instagram followers than those who mention Jesus in their bio.

So I constantly have a struggle of: “Ooo, I want to share what God is teaching me!” or “I want to share this worship song” or get REAL about some of the sinful lifestyles going on in our culture right now but I don’t want to push non-Christians away.

And I wish I could tell redeem this fear and tell you I have figured it out, but I haven't. 

But here's what I will never ever do. 
I will never deny my faith and I will never not tell you truth in love.

As Steffany Gretzinger's new song says "You can't turn out a light... shining from the inside."

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There you have it.
These are the lies I deal with EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 
And I don't think we talk about them enough because I know that I'm not alone. 

So tell me:
What are you afraid to tell others?
Which of these surprised you?

Let me know in the comments below. 
Let's peel back the layers of the social media highlight reel and actually get REAL.